• Dealing With Bullies Parents

Your child is being. He or she has mustered the courage to tell you about it - no small feat, considering how humiliating it can be for kids to tell their parents about maltreatment by their peers - and together, you have tried everything you can think of to manage the problem on your own. Your child has practiced ignoring the bully, avoiding his tormentors, standing up to mean kids in assertive ways, tried to enlist his teacher's support and used humor to deflect the bully's taunting. He has shut down his Facebook page and stopped texting entirely, hoping that taking himself out of the technology loop might give him some respite from the cruelty.

Yet, the persists.and is getting worse. You make a decision to call your child's teacher and report what has been going on - the name calling, the cruel texts, the exclusion at lunch, the snickering in the halls, the shoves on the bus and the threats of physical harm (yesterday's warning: 'I am going to f'ing end you if you come to school tomorrow.' ) Reaching out and asking for help was hard for you; as a parent, you desperately hoped to be able to protect your child on your own. Confident, however, that you have taken all of the right steps to manage the problem independently and knowing that the bullying (and your child's desperation) are only getting worse, you reluctantly place a call to school.

In kindergarten, Nicky encountered a handful of kids who bothered everyone during recess. 'Young kids are mimicking the aggressive behavior they see on TV shows, in video games, and from older siblings,' explains Susan Swearer, Ph.D., coauthor of. Ultimately, it's up to you to help your young child deal with a bully.

A part of you is relieved that your burden can now be shared and professionals can help with the job of keeping your child safe at school. Your relief is short-lived. Despite the 'Bully-Free Zone' posters that line the school cafeteria walls and the Zero-Tolerance policy that was boasted about during last September's Back-to-School night, your experience is that the school would rather not address the problem at all. The responses you get from your child's teacher include bland lip service such as:.I didn't see it happening and I can't just take your child's word that it did.Kids will be kids, you know.This stuff just happens. It'll all blow over soon.Your child just needs to have a thicker skin.The child you are accusing of bullying is an honor student and Vice President of the Student Council. I just can't believe he would do such a thing.

Are you sure your child isn't exaggerating? More and more, as I talk with parents whose children have experienced bullying, they share this common experience of having their concerns downplayed by the very adults who are charged with keeping schoolchildren safe.

Now, before I go any further, I want to state my unequivocal support for most educators and school personnel. I have had the distinct honor and pleasure of working with hundreds of them in a professional capacity, and met with dozens of them through my own children's schooling. I recognize their role as monumental. It is my belief that most adults who dedicate their professional lives to education are heroes and I thank them endlessly for their service. With that said, there are also adults who fail children and I don't know any more eloquent or sophisticated way to describe my feelings about it other than to tell you that it burns me. While I understand that kids are often mean to each other - and sometimes unspeakably cruel -what I cannot wrap my mind around is when adults knowingly allow it to happen. Parents ask me: What should I do when I report bullying to school and the school downplays my concerns?

This is the conversation we usually have: First, we usually talk a bit about why some school personnel downplay reports of bullying from concerned parents. Lack of Awareness One recent study reports that in school settings, 'How can this be?' Many parents ask. Easier than it seems, I am afraid. While most teachers are very focused on what goes on in their classrooms, the majority of bullying occurs in locations like the lunchroom, the locker room, the playground, the bathroom, the hallways, the bus and, perhaps most infamously, online. When classroom teachers tell concerned parents that they are not aware of bullying incidents taking place in their classroom, they are usually quite accurate. (Why more cafeteria aides and bus drivers aren't trained and made responsible for recognizing and responding to bullying is a whole different article.) The flip side of adult awareness is that the thrice-failed-third-grade neighborhood meanie named Spike who jumps out in the schoolyard and demands little kids' lunch money is a bully of yesteryear.

Today's bullies - particularly those that use relational aggression to hurt and humiliate - are often brilliant social diagnosticians who know how to manipulate their teachers just as effectively as they know how to torture their peers. Yes, the straight-A student council president may well be the bully that 'rules the school' safely below the radar of his unsuspecting teachers. The Teacher's Plate Runneth Over While I am of the conviction that school personnel are responsible for keeping kids safe, I am equally convinced that teachers today have so much on their plates that safeguarding kids' emotional well-being is a real challenge for them. Nonetheless, be clear; I believe that educators and parents share a collective responsibility to create a culture in which bullying is unacceptable and to protect kids from physical and psychological harm. When schoolchildren are bullied relentlessly and without adult intervention, they have difficulty succeeding academically.

For this reason alone (notwithstanding their moral obligation), bullying is a problem educators are duty-bound to address. Feelings of Helplessness Bullying among school-aged children is widely regarded as an epidemic problem in the United States. If there was an easy solution to the problem, it would have been suggested and implemented long ago. You wouldn't be thinking about it and I wouldn't be writing about it.

Getting a handle on bullying in schools is a complex challenge that leaves many educators feeling overwhelmed and helpless. More often than they would care to admit, the teacher who downplays an incident of bullying is the teacher who simply has no idea how to handle the problem in his classroom. 'Kids Will Be Kids' Mentality Up to this point in my discussions with parents, I am always somewhat sympathetic to educators and the obstacles they face in managing bullying effectively.

When it comes to the 'kids will be kids' mentality, however, my empathy comes to a screeching halt. Minimizing a problem is not what caring adults do; it is what manipulative bullies do.

Yes, kids can be mean. No, adults should never dismiss bullying as a 'rite of passage' or tolerable fact of childhood. When they do, they violate a child's trust and abdicate their role as responsible adults. What Parents Can Do When Bullying is Downplayed After talking about the various reasons why some adults downplay reports of bullying, I like to work with parents to strategize realistic approaches for pursuing the attention and focus of school personnel. The point I make most strongly is that it takes a tremendous amount of courage for most kids to talk with their parents about being the target of bullying.

It is such a deeply painful and humiliating experience that even kids with the most trusting relationship with their parents find their victimization hard to reveal. Therefore, when kids do talk about being bullied, it is imperative that parents honor the courageous act of sharing and become their child's champion. I'm not exaggerating when I tell parents to don their hero's cape and get ready to be superhuman, because in many cases, that is what challenging the status quo will take. In every case, that is what their child deserves.

So, what can parents do when their report of bullying is downplayed by school personnel? A bully's preferred method of intimidation is to keep his victim isolated. A parent's best strategy for countering bullying is to reach out to as many people as necessary to make sure that the bullying comes to an end. If you have reached out to your child's teacher and received a bland, disinterested, or downplayed response, do not be deterred. Continue to contact other school personnel - preferably according to a chain of command - to make sure that your voice (and more importantly, your child's voice) is heard. Rather than allowing your emotion to demand an on-the-spot demand meeting with a school official, use your level head to call ahead for an appointment with the teacher, guidance counselor, school social worker, Principal - or all of the above! If your needs continue to be unmet, contact the PTO, the school board, the superintendant, or even the local police if you are concerned about your child's safety.

Talk to your neighbors about what is going on. Reach out to other parents. Don't bash the school or the bully in a gossipy way that tarnishes your own integrity, but do make sure to enlist the help of everyone and anyone that is in a position to address the situation and help bring the bullying to a stop.

Another idea: take your concerns online. The blogging community can be a rich source of support, guidance and been-there-done-that practical advice for parents whose kids are being bullied. Likewise, the media has taken a growing interest in recent months about the problem of bullying.

If you can't convince school personnel to take a stand, perhaps the media can. Jacqui DiMarco, co-author of When Your Child is Being Bullied: Real Solutions for Parents, Educators, and Other Professionals, advises parents to 'be the most pleasant nuisance you possibly can be until you have resolution.' Document, Document, Document Write down your child's account of the incident(s) of bullying. Record as much detail as possible, since memory tends to be short and details can get easily and understandably distorted by emotion.

When you contact the staff at your child's school, make notes on who you talk to and when. Document the school personnel's responses - word for word, whenever possible. Prior to meeting with a teacher, counselor, or Principal, write down your goals for the conversation. Afterwards, put in writing any agreed upon resolutions. Request that all involved parties sign the document to indicate their agreement. Documenting conversations, decisions and agreed upon plans of action help keep parents and school personnel on the same page during what can be an emotional time.

Establishing a 'paper trail' is not a 'gotcha!' Process, but rather an effective way of keeping all involved parties organized, informed and goal-directed.

Keep At It In her bestselling book, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, Rachel Simmons writes that when a child doesn't think his situation will improve, the strength that his parents show can be hugely reassuring. Indeed, a show of resolve and dogged determination to persist until their concerns are adequately addressed is among the most important things parents can do for their children. This willingness to keep at it communicates to kids that their concerns are valid, their safety is paramount and that they are worthy of your time and effort. Keep in mind: By the time your child has told you about the bullying he has faced, he has in all likelihood been dealing with the problem for quite some time and is feeling beaten down (psychologically as well as possibly physically) and demoralized.

When a parent shows that he believes what his child has reported, takes the concerns seriously and is willing to persistently stand up for his child, the child's self-worth can begin to grow again. Public Service Announcements and posters that tell victims to 'Speak Up' in the face of bullying mean nothing at all if, when kids and families find the courage to speak up, they are met with disbelief, denial and downplaying by school staff. What kind of message are adults sending? What better way is there to violate a child's trust and create a sense of hopelessness and helplessness?

Adults cannot continue to fail children in this way. No family should find themselves all alone when navigating the dangerous and destructive waters of bullying in school.

We need all adults - parents, teachers, administrators, law enforcement, media and anyone else with a heart - to work together as champions for children. Fasten on that cape Moms and Dads; your child needs you to be his superhero. Signe Whitson is a licensed social worker, bullying educator, and author of. For more information on helping kids cope with bullying in school, please visit www.signewhitson.com, or follow her on Twitter References: DiMarco, J.E. & Newman, M.K. When Your Child Is Being Bullied: Real Solutions for Parents, Educators & Other Professionals. Vivisphere Publishing.

Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls. Boston: Mariner Books.

Earlychildhood NEWS - Article Reading Center today to our bi-weekly newsletter! Bullying: The Problem and How to Deal With It By Mary Drecktrah, Ph.D., and Lisa Blaskowski Sarah attends a kindergarten program for four-year-olds.

After school, she is bussed to Sunshine Place, an after school care program. Sarah is a small, quiet child and has no close friends. She tells her parents she doesn’t want to go to Sunshine Place but won’t explain why. Betty is also bussed to Sunshine Place from another school where she attends a kindergarten program for five-year-olds. Betty likes to sit next to Sarah and make fun of her.

Betty calls Sarah “baby” or “wimpy” when Sarah starts to cry on the bus and at Sunshine Place. After seeing a quarter Sarah had in her pocket, Betty demanded Sarah give her money every day. Betty has threatened to hurt Sarah if she tells anyone. This is an example of verbal bullying. Derek is a small second grader who has difficulty sitting still in the classroom. Clark, the physical education instructor, said Derek was as quick as a rabbit, the other kids started calling him “Rabbit”. At recess time, Jason and two of his buddies like to chase Derek, yelling, “Run, Rabbit, run.” When they catch him, they either push him down or kick him.

A few times the playground supervisor has intervened, but all four boys say they are just playing and the “game” continues. Derek doesn’t play with the other children so he likes the attention, but he is usually bruised and wishes they wouldn’t hurt him. Sometimes he hides in the bathroom to avoid going outside. This is an example of physical bullying. Definition of Bullying Bullying occurs when another child or children are deliberately mean to someone else several times, weeks, or months at a time. Bullying can be verbal—name calling, teasing, threats, or physical—hitting, pushing, kicking.

It can also be indirect by excluding someone from social groups or by spreading stories about someone. Typically, the action is unprovoked and the bully is stronger than the victim. Bullies get a sense of power by picking on others who are emotional and will give in to them. (Barone, 1997; Olweus, 1996; Slaby & Bernstein, 1997).

Bullying is nothing new. Statistics from England, Scandinavia, Australia, and the U.S.

Indicate that bullying is a major social problem. Scandinavia has studied bullying extensively due to a number of suicides in the 1980s. These suicides were a direct result of students being victimized by bullies in their schools. If you read background information on students involved in recent violent incidents in schools, you will find many of these children were victims of bullying and it lead to tragic outcomes. Why don’t we do more about this pervasive problem? Barone (1997) cites four reasons for continuation of bullying. First, many adults consider bullying to be a normal part of growing up.

Boys, in particular, are encouraged to stand up to the bully, but unfortunately, the bully rarely backs down so the confrontation leads to more violence. Secondly, adults have become desensitized to bullying and do not even notice it. Movies, video games, and sports all contain violence. Thirdly, other issues and problems outside of education already overwhelm educators. Lastly, teachers and schools may be hesitant to identify bullying as a problem because they do not have the resources to deal with this issue. Extent of the Problem There is a big difference between perceiving a bullying problem by staff who could stop the bullying and children who are the victims of bullies. The authors surveyed two small mid-west elementary schools and a middle school and found that the staff’s perception of bullying was much different from the students’ perception of bullying.

At the elementary level, the staff (principals, counselors, secretaries, teachers, etc.) estimated that 7.1 percent of students were bullied compared to 69.6 percent of the elementary students who reported they had been bullied. The definition on both surveys (staff and students) defines bullying as “when another student or group of students is mean to you several times (weeks or months). It can be verbal (name calling, gossiping, ignoring, threats) or physical (hitting, kicking, etc.).” At the middle school level, the staff estimated 8 percent of students had been bullied while 65.7 percent of students reported they had been bullied. This suggests that the staff does not recognize the extent of the bullying problem that students in their school face.

Dealing With Bullies Parents

Other information from this survey includes that equal numbers of boys and girls (62 percent) report being bullied by others. Craig and Pepler (1996) also reported equal numbers of boys and girls reporting incidents of bullying every seven minutes; however, Remboldt (1994) feels many incidents of bullying are not reported so this may not be an accurate indication of the problem. Of the students who reported being bullied, nearly twice as many students report having been bullied by a boy than by a girl; however, only slightly more than half of the girls reported that a boy rather than a girl had been the aggressor. Past studies by Hazler, Hoover, and Oliver (1991) and Olweus (1993) suggest one in five children attending school are afraid through much of their school day. Emotional Intelligence In his book, Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman (1995) defines emotional intelligence as including self-awareness and impulsive control, persistence, zeal and self-motivation, empathy, and social deftness. In early childhood, there is a window of opportunity when parents and schools can nurture and strengthen children’s emotional development.

Encouraging emotional development helps children be more successful academically and socially. Children who are able to do what Goleman calls “how to learn” will probably not be the target of bullies. Some of these learned behaviors are confidence in knowing how to solve problems, getting help from adults, self-control of actions, and capacity to communicate with others. Children as Bystanders of Bullying Along with emotional intelligence, a person needs to have empathy for others.

It is difficult to treat a person poorly if one knows how his or her actions can affect others. When children see a bully, they should try to help without getting hurt themselves. Sometimes students can suggest something else to do, like playing a game or doing an activity to divert the attention away from the bullying situation. Students need to be taught not to cheer on or even quietly watch a conflict.

They need to go to a trusted adult with a friend to tell about the bullying. It’s easier if a child isn’t alone in reporting the incident.

What Parents Can Do Research has shown that aggressive behavior is often learned early in life. Parents and family members and others who care for children can help them learn to deal with emotions without using violence. Some of the following suggestions are from A Guide to Safe Schools (1998). As a child’s first teacher, children will imitate what they see their parents do.

Set an example for children by treating others with respect and non-violent behavior. Praise children when they solve problems constructively without violence. Teach children that it is better to settle arguments with calm words, not fists or weapons.

Avoid physical punishment and violent verbal outbursts as child-rearing methods. With small children, parents need to nurture three important skills: l) empathy, how to understand how someone else feels; 2) control, how to express strong negative feelings like anger and fear; and 3) problem-solving, how to think of consequences and not act impulsively. Make sure your children are supervised so they receive the guidance they need. Know their friends and encourage supervised programs and recreation run by adults you respect.

Accompany your children and watch how they get along with others. Teach your child how to respond appropriately when others use insults or threats to deal with anger by hitting. Encourage them to avoid children who behave that way. In addition, help your child develop friendship-making skills. Sarah didn’t know how to make friends, and thus she was vulnerable to a bully like Betty. Once her mother caught Sarah taking money out of her purse, Sarah talked about how Betty teased and threatened her at Sunshine Place and on the bus. Her mother hadn’t realized Sarah didn’t have any friends, and after a conference with Sarah’s teacher, she found out a new girl, Nancy, had moved into Sarah’s class that lived a few houses away.

The teacher agreed to seat them close to encourage the friendship, and Sarah’s mother encouraged Sarah to ask Nancy over to play on the weekends. Sarah and Nancy now sit on the bus together.

Although Betty was reprimanded, she would occasionally demand money from Sarah. Finally, Sarah stood up to Betty by telling her she wasn’t going to give her any more money. Take time to listen to your child and keep communication lines open.

When tucking your child into bed, ask him or her to tell you two good things that happened today and two not-so-good things that happened. Children always seem to have the not-so-good things to tell, which can give parents insight into what is really happening in their child’s life. Parents have to avoid the tendency to solve the problem for their child. Think of ways to help the child use problem-solving skills. It was at bedtime that Derek finally shared his bullying experience with his parents. They were shocked to see how many bruises Derek had on his legs.

Derek said he thought the boys chasing him were his friends. After conferencing with his classroom teacher and physical education teacher, Derek’s parents found out Derek’s class was playing soccer in gym class. Clark said Derek had much potential and would encourage him to play on a team. Some neighborhood friends of Derek’s parents had a fifth-grader, John, who was on a soccer team. They hired him as a sitter on a weekend afternoon, mentioning Derek was interested in soccer.

Soon John was teaching Derek how to be a goalie and at noon recess at school John sought Derek out to play with the older boys. Derek’s confidence soared. He was too busy playing soccer at recess time to be bothered by the bullies. Parents need to be consistent about rules and discipline. Involve your children in setting rules and consequences whenever possible. They will then learn to behave in ways that are good for them and others around them. Playing games with the family can teach social skills such as taking turns, winning, and losing.

It’s important to set clear limits to aggressive behavior. Get help for your child if you notice disturbing behavior like frequent angry outbursts, excessive fighting and bullying of other children, cruelty to animals, fire setting, and lack of friends. Talk to a trusted professional in your child’s school or your physician. Keep violence out of your home, not only by your behavior but also through the media. Make sure you know what TV shows, movies and video games your children are watching and using. Discuss the violence they see and what serious consequences exist for violent behavior.

What Educators Can Do Students should know bullying is unacceptable behavior and will not be tolerated. School should be a safe place for everyone.

Help the silent majority stand up to bullies and help victims. Victims need to know they don't need to accommodate a bully with candy or money. Adults in the school have the main responsibility for dealing with bullies in school. A good place to start is with a survey of the school staff and students to determine the extent of the bullying problem. This will give a realistic picture of the bullying situation.

Then involve parents, teachers, and students to develop a policy for the school. It could include a recording system for incidents of bullying, a chance for students to discuss bullying, a contact system for parents of both the victims and the bullies when a problem occurs, parent participation, training for staff, intervention programs, and support and protection for victims (Greenbaum, 1987). Many school systems have had great success using a peer mediation system. School staff need to monitor and carefully supervise areas where bullying could take place, like hallways, restrooms, playgrounds, and bus stops. Our survey indicated students and staff agreed that the most common locations for bullying to take place were outside by the school, hallways, and on the bus. What may look like accidental pushing or hitting may be very deliberate.

The staff may need training to know what to look for while supervising. School staff need to teach social skills associated with bullying, particularly for victims in knowing what to do. Some points to include would be:. Victims should use self-talk to acknowledge the bully's behavior but not accept the message. For example, a student teased because of his or her size can learn to say, “They think I’m a shrimp, but I know I’m okay.

Everyone in my family is small.” For the very young child, learning to recognize and identify different feelings in themselves and others is very important. A technique that some preschool teachers found very effective is having children make faces in a mirror to see how they look when they show different emotions.Aliki’s (1984) book called Feelingsis very useful in showing how the facial features look for different feelings.This helps children understand what facial expressions on other people represent.

“Reading” other people’s expressions is an important social skill that often is not taught. Conclusion Schools should be safe places for everyone.Bullying should not be part of a student’s school experience like it was for Sarah and Derek. When parents and educators work together, it will benefit everyone and students will grow up to be caring and productive citizens. Mary Drecktrah, Ph.D., is an assistant professor in the special education department at the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh. Lisa Blaskowski is a student in the special education department at the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh.

Characteristics of the Bully Some of the following characteristics are typical of bullies:. Studies show aggression is stable over time. Bullies tend to become more aggressive as they grow up (Batsche & Knoff, 1994; Olweus 1994). They found approximately 60 percent of boys identified as bullies in grades six through nine had at least one officially registered crime by the age of 24. Characteristics of Victims Students may have one or several of the following characteristics that makes them vulnerable to victimization. Two types are passive/submissive victims and provocative victims. (Garrity & Jens, 1997, Olweus, 1996) Characteristics typical of the passive/submissive victim are:.

Some of these students provoke other children. Recommended Children’s Book on Bullying: Berenstain, S. The Berenstain Bears and the Bully. New York: Random House.

Brother Bear teaches Sister Bear to defend herself against a bully and discovers why the bully acts that way. Cole, J.(1989). Bully Trouble. New York: Random House. Arlo and Robby get back at the bully, Eddie, by giving him a hot chili sandwich.

King of Kooties. Louisa bullies Donald who just moved to town by saying he has kooties, but Donald solves his problem by asking Louisa to be a Kootie Princess and to be her friend. Pinky and Rex and the Bully. New York: Alladin. A neighbor lady helps a boy who is bullied because he likes pink and has a friend called Pinky.

Just a Daydream. New York: Golden Book. Little Critter shows what he would do if he were a Super Critter to handle a bully in the neighborhood. Being Bullied. New York: Barrons.

Rita learns to handle Bella, a bully, and eventually is a friend to her. References Aliki. Feelings.New York: Greenwillow Books. Bullying in school: It doesn’t have to happen. Phi Delta Kappa, 80-82. Batsche, G.M. & Knoff, H.M.

Bullies and their victims: Understanding a pervasive problem in the schools. School Psychology Review, 23, 165-174. & Pepler, D.J. Understanding bullying at school:What can be done about it?

Seattle, WA: Safe by Design, Committee on Children. Emotional Intelligence.NY: Bantam Books. Greenbaum, S. What can be done about schoolyard bullying? Hazler, R.D., Hoover, J.H. Student perceptions of victimization by bullies in schools. Journal of Humanistic Education and Development, 29, 143-150.

Bullying at school: What we know and what we can do. Oxford, UK: Blackwell Publishers. Bullying at school: Long-term outcomes for victims and an effective school-based intervention program.In L.R. Huesman (Ed.), Aggressive behavior: Current perspectives (pp. 97-130).New York: Wiley. Bully/victim problems at school: Facts and effective intervention. National Education Service, 5 (1), 15-22.

Violence in schools: The enabling factor. Minneapolis, MN: Johnson Institute.

& Bernstein, J.Y. (1997), Bullying: It’s not O.K.

Boston, MA: Massachusetts Medical Society. Department of Education.(1998), A guide to safe schools: Early warning timely response.

Washington, DC: Author. Articles and activities listed on this website may be printed for single use. No article or activity may be duplicated or distributed in any form, in whole or in part, without permission from the publisher, Excelligence Learning Corporation. © 2008 Excelligence Learning Corporation, All Rights Reserved.